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Surviving Your Next Family Reunion
By Frances Kai-Hwa Wang, Asian American Village Contributing Editor
As we head into what can be a long and stressful holiday season—Thanksgiving,
Christmas, New Year, Lunar New Year’s (January 29)—I wanted to share some thoughts to help
get you through this holiday season with your family and reputation intact. I
come from a huge family that has broken apart and come back together again more
times than I can count. Every family reunion is remembered by some big fight. A
family feud is very hard to undo, but with a little patience and a lot of humor
(or maybe it should be the other way around), you can try to get through your
next family reunion on top. Or at least make sure there is no paper trail
pointing back to you. (And you thought that shredder was only good for
work?)
- Check in with your mom first. Make sure you find out
who is going to be there ahead of time, how you should address them, how
they are related, and what topics to avoid. Don’t make the mistake my friend
D. did when she flopped down next to a cousin she hadn’t seen in a long time
and innocently asked, “So how are you doing?” She was berated by her mother,
“Aiya! How could you ask him such a thing? Didn’t you know he just…? You’re
always so nosy!”
- In-laws are always right. Let your spouse handle any
problems with his/her own family (a Dr. Phil-approved method). Pretend you
do not know what is going on. Move to another room or go wash dishes. Do not
get involved or caught in the middle. Families will forgive their own blood
relative, but not you. Spouses should also stand up for, support, and
protect each other. Someone has to.
- Prep the kids ahead of time (or debrief afterwards).
If you know you have racist or crazy relatives who may say rude or crazy
things to you or your kids, talk to your kids about it. Let them know that
you love Old Uncle Joe because he is family, but that you do not agree with
all of his views. You may not want to start a big fight in front of the
turkey, but leaving those comments unanswered may allow your kids to think
those sorts of statements are okay or true or funny (everyone laughed, did
they not?). If it is your house, it is easier to stand up and say that no
racist comments are allowed and/or to not invite those relatives. But if you
are a guest, sometimes all you can do is damage control.
- Plan your exit strategy ahead of time. Set up code
words with your spouse that mean “This is too much, I have to get out of
here or I am going to kill somebody.” Plan to take the kids for a walk
around the block or out to the park or down to the grocery store to pick up
one last thing. Discretely get out and decompress. Plan your excuses, too.
“Baby has to take a nap.” “You’re so busy cooking, let me run to the
store for you!”
- Bring gifts—but not wine or gourmet cheese. Forget
Martha Stewart’s advice about the perfect hostess gift—they are too Western
and will not be appreciated (especially when everyone starts Asian glowing
and farting). Bring a box of Asian pastries or a bag of oranges or that box
of chocolates somebody gave you last year. Your family will appreciate these
sorts of gifts better, be able to enjoy them, and will not say anything
about how Americanized (or alcoholic) you have become…and it is probably
cheaper too!
- Learn to read the other cultures in your family. My
friend W. once called from the living room of his Indian American wife’s
family, incensed that they all said they were leaving at 8:00, but he was
the only one ready to go, and that this happened every time they tried to go
anywhere. I tried to convince him that different cultures have different
sense of time, and that he just had to learn that when they say 8:00, they
really mean 9:00, and adjust accordingly, but he was indignant, “No, they
said 8:00 so I’m ready at 8:00.” Her family probably had some choice words
for the uptight WASP that he was, too. Prep and save your spouse/partner
from The Joy-Luck Club soy sauce faux pas.
- Do not write anything sensitive down. Use the
telephone or talk in person so that it will not come back to haunt you sixty
years from now. Similarly, be very careful using email. There is lots of
room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding with email, because there
are no facial expressions or voice intonations to help make one’s meaning
clearer. Misinterpretation is even more of a danger for people for whom
English is a second language because of the extra layers of translation and
interpretation involved. Delete your emails and burn your letters!
- Do not believe everything you hear. Think through if
it makes sense, and ask the person directly. I recently found out that I
have a relative who has been telling everyone in my family for years that I
am an alcoholic—which is pretty funny considering that I am allergic to
alcohol and do not drink (just like everyone else in the family).
Apparently, she also said that I scared off all the Nice Chinese Boys
because I spent all my time in bars. Now even if it were true—which it is
not—how did those Nice Chinese Boys know that I was in the bar, and why
would they tell my aunt? Besides, I met my husband when I was 22. How many
Nice Chinese Boys could I have scared off in one year? I feel like I should
bring a note from my doctor explaining that I am allergic to alcohol…or my
college and graduate school transcripts proving that I really was in
the library. (I was such a nerd.)
- Be careful what you say. A casual quip can easily turn
into a huge family feud, especially when emotions are running high
and people are tired and stressed out. For example, I have a
girlfriend who was accused by another relative of killing her
grandpa with a single sentence. Never mind that he was 88 years old
and had already had two open-heart surgeries and a pacemaker; not to
mention that he survived World War II, a Civil War, eight children,
and starting over in a new country three times. It is preposterous
to think that one person’s words could give such a tough old guy a
heart attack, but the result of the accusation is that the whole
family broke apart into factions. Think before you speak. If you are
not sure, do not say anything. Definitely do not write it down.
- Practice Propaganda and Disinformation. Know how your
family gossip network works, and send out “press releases” from time to
time, complete with photos (of you in your most conservative outfits). If
you let the right person know your latest good news, it will quickly get out
to the rest of the family. If you are tired of people still talking about
how you wanted to be President in second grade and how sad that you did not
follow your dreams, do not rely on chance. Use the family gossip network to
your advantage to spread the news about your latest promotion on Wall Street
(which explains why you haven’t had time yet to marry a Nice Chinese Boy).
Remember, family remembers forever. You cannot just move to another town and
start over, like you can when you need a new set of friends. When all else
fails, blame the baby or feign ignorance. Do not get involved. Have a dinner
party with your own friends between the holidays to rant. Most important, keep
that shredder close by.
Also of Interest by Frances Kai-Hwa Wang
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